Whether you are expecting, have children, or your family is made up of only you and your partner, you need a vision of what homemaking means to you.
Since the age of five, I felt this urge to not only be a mother (in some compacity), but a very traditional homemaker. In this modern age, I find that this vision of homemaking is easier to dream about than to be about. People are marrying later in life, having children in their thirties rather than their twenties, having fewer children, and with the feminist movement, it feels like traditional homemaking isn’t the definition of a fulfilling and successful life.
Despite all of this and the reality that being a traditional homemaker was not something most “aspired to be”, I realize, as a 27-year-old mother of two, that my vision of homemaking has never changed.
The Stepping Stones Of My Homemaking Vision
As I began seriously dating in high school, and applying to colleges in order to start and build a career, I quickly realized that this dream of mine meant dating to date was not an option. It also occurred to me that it might be harder than I thought to meet someone that would be on board with their wife staying home and starting a family so “young”.
Even my dad was disappointed that just a few months after my husband and I were married, we were expecting. Nowadays, we are to build careers and figure out who we are, have our own, before getting married and having children, right?
Calling At Five Years Old
I have a few very clear and vivid memories of my early childhood years. One is what I refer to as my calling to be a homemaker. I remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom playing with a doll and seeing myself as an adult. In this daydream, I was a very traditional homemaker and had a large family pretty young.
It’s hard to explain, but I truly believe that it was at this moment I was called to homemaking. This was strange because both of my parents worked full time and I don’t recall knowing anyone that lived the lifestyle I was daydreaming about.
As A Little Girl
I was very inquisitive. Always asking why and wanting to know and understand so many things. I loved reading, most likely because of this part of me.
My faith was a big part of me, even at a very early age. Experiencing trauma at eight years old, I learned how much pain, evil, and hopelessness was in the world. That shaped the kind of life I want to live. Putting more light into the world. Giving more than I take. Building my children up, not tearing them down, hoping that maybe they’d have a light of their own to put into the world.
As a little girl, I loved learning and education but I did not like school. I was bullied, made very aware of how different I was from my peers, and felt like leaders didn’t care. There had to be a way children could be who they are and learn the way that best suited them. I would later realize that alternative was homeschooling for many families.
Entrepreneurship was found in many of my childhood ventures. I would set up a spa in my room and charge for foot massages and sometimes sell cds in which I downloaded a mix of the person’s favorite songs. Wanting to own a business of some sort in my adult life was no suprise.
During The Teen Years
During my teen years, I remember trying to have my family spend more time together. I would try to ask my parents if we could have family meetings, movie nights, eat dinner at the table together, etc. I would write letters to my mom to talk about difficult things. And with many of these efforts met with rejection from both my parents and my younger sibling, I usually felt like the weirdo of the family. Now, I embrace it and they accept that that’s just me, ha.
In school, I always wanted to know the deeper meaning behind everything. This made subjects like math pretty challenging. I also dealt with depression in high school, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm. I won’t go into that much right now. It is, however, relevant to this blog post to note.
I share this part of my late childhood because it speaks to why I am passionate about our home being centered around our faith, building relationships with my children, conscious parenting, self-directed education, nurturing the whole child, and commitment to stewarding my calling in the home first and foremost.
Young Adulthood
In college, I struggled with self-identity. I majored in things I felt my family and others would approve of. I convinced myself that I wanted certain things career-wise. And quite honestly I feel like I wasted my time and energy performing for others all these years. I appreciate my experience because I gained many skills and learned things about myself along the way. If you’re curious, my enneagram number is a 4 with a 3 wing.
Studying psychology, interning at the graduate program for Marriage and Family Therapy, and working at the tutoring center as a coordinator and supplemental instruction leader, I was able to put research behind much of my philosophies.
I was able to travel to Nicaragua as a volunteer for a week. I saw how kids with so much against them could find joy in just being alive. Children that were so grateful and excited that someone cared enough to spend time with them. That experience is one I hold dear to my heart.
My Vision Of Homemaking
Everyone’s vision of homemaking looks different. Much of my vision is rooted in my faith and always has been. Now that you have a little of the back story, I’ll share what a homemaker is by my own definition. A homemaker is an individual who manages the home and most often raises children as well.
According to my vision, full-time homemaking involves three areas; teaching children, cultivating relationships, and managing the home all for the glory of God.
Teaching Our Children
Prior to college, I had not known of anyone who was homeschooled. I saw it in movies and television shows, but homeschooling was definitely not the norm. My roommate, freshman year in college, was the first person I met that was homeschooled. Sadly, I was not the kindest towards her or most open-minded for reasons I didn’t really understand. Was it the stigma around homeschooling? Was it me trying to fit in with the friends I went to school with whom also went to the same university?
Could it be my own jealousy that she seemed so free and sure of what she was in college for because her homeschooling experience allowed her that freedom instead of modeling her to perform and pick a path that was assigned to her, not by her?
I was so lost and disconnected with myself and envisioned how homeschooling could be the difference in her confidence and liberation and my struggle with self-identity and stress trying to meet expectations set by my traditional school experience.
Homeschool
I always felt this tugging toward homeschooling. For many years, I lacked confidence in that decision because it just wasn’t what anyone I knew did. Most people around me felt strongly that kids should be in school, “socializing” and learning the core subjects so that they can go to college and have the best shot at finding a good-paying career.
But, something about spending 70% of my children’s awake hours at a job and them in a school away from me didn’t seem right. If I am called to have such an important role in teaching my children, how much influence would 3-4 hours a day during the weekdays have? Especially compared to the 7-8 hours of influence they’d get from being in a school with so many other teachers and children.
During my daughter’s 4th year of life, I decided that my calling to homeschool as part of my homemaking, was something I no longer needed to explain or convinced others of. Better yet, the reason I feel so strongly about self-directed education is rooted in how much I struggled with performance and being who others wanted me to be; and how damaging that was to who God called me to be.
Homeschooling is not for every parent or every child. I cannot say that one day my child wouldn’t want to attend public school. But I do know that homeschooling is a big part of my vision of homemaking.
Biblical teaching
My mom always taught me to know that I am who God says I am. This was one of many life lessons I’ve learned from my mother in just 27 years of being. One thing that both my husband and I appreciated about our childhood was being raised in the church.
In Deuteronomy 11: 18- 21, we are called to teach the word of God to our children, “So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors.”
As a homemaker, this has to be one of the most important aspects of being home full-time.
Practical life
Most often, we look at teaching our children in the sense of traditional education. You know, math, science, literacy, etc. But teaching our children is about the whole child, not just their academic side. Learning through living life is a big deal in my book. Learning how to exist in this blessing of life for the glory of God is not taught in the classroom. It is taught in the home. And as a homemaker and manager of my home, this falls on me.
My vision of homemaking and teaching my children involved adventure and wonder. I desire to travel together, explore, and discover not by means of traditional textbooks. Living is learning and I want my children to know how to be self-sufficient and independent, critical thinkers.
Autonomy is easier to support and encourage when your children are “home” full time. There is less of a requirement to perform for others like when attending school.
Prioritizing Relationships
From a biblical viewpoint, relationships are one of our most important callings. John 15: 12-13 says, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” However, when it comes to our children, we often focus on control rather than relationship. How many of us have heard, “I am not one of your friends” from our parents. Honestly, I have said it once or twice. I’ve always desired to have a relationship with my children. I want them to grow up with a voice of their own and knowing that they matter just as much as any adult. I want them to know that I see them and accept them for who they are. To know they are loved for who they are and not who I want them to be.
The parent-child relationship
There is a scene in the movie Fences, with actors Denzel Washington (father) and Jovan Adepo (son), that reminds me of the common relationship between parent and child, especially in the Black community. In this scene, the child (Adepo) asks his father why he doesn’t like him. Next, you hear the father’s idea of what a child and parent relationship is supposed to be, using words like “job”, “duty”, and “responsibility”.
While I understand we want our children not to ‘go through life worrying about whether somebody likes them or not, but at what cost? Our own relationship with them? I especially know why this is common in the Black community. It honestly traces all the way back to slavery and the survival of your children, population. This ideal relationship was robbed from our people because of the evil doings of most (not all) white people back then. And that breaks my heart!
Everyone parent’s the way they see best, but this post is to share my personal vision of homemaking and motherhood. So, if you do not relate, know that I do not mean to offend or by no means am I judging.
We have to change the narrative. Parents teach children to treat others the way they would want to be treated (Matthew 7:12) and yet don’t afford them that same courtesy. That just never sat right with me. I do not see this concept of friendship and parental responsibility as an either-or, but instead, I see it as a both-and situation.
Relationships outside of the home
I want to raise well-rounded children just like the next parent. I believe we were created to exist with others and are a relational species. However, toxic relationships are real and do exists. My vision of homemaking and motherhood involves me modeling healthy relationships and mentoring my children on what a healthy relationship is and what it is not. How to set boundaries and make sure your relationships honor God.
Also, this applies to myself and my relationships with friends and family. I believe it takes a village to raise a child. Not only in the sense of help with the physical needs of children and their time but the emotional support for us is important. Having a support team can change up the game for sure. It is important to have healthy adult relationships.
Relationship with your spouse or partner
In another blog post, I talk about 7 ways to prioritize your marriage after children, and this is a big part of my vision of homemaking. The biblical order is that Christ is first, then our partner, and finally our children. For me and my house, I knew this is the order in which I would prioritize relationships. I know this is frowned upon by so many people. But for me, I always felt that if while single, I am married to Christ and one day I marry a man that lives to serve God; then I should feel safe in trusting this order of importance and my children would benefit even more.
Spiritual relationship
Of course, with my idea of homemaking including home educating, I know that we have the freedom and space to connect our faith with every aspect of our selves and our life. Unless children attend a faith-based private school, a huge chunk of their time is not focused on nurturing a spiritual relationship.
My own spiritual relationship is just as important and while being a mom and homemaker may feel like you have no time to study the word of God, you must make and prioritize your own spiritual relationship with the Creator.
Again, I feel it important to remind you that this post is a look into my perspective and vision of homemaking. In no way does my opinion trump anyone else’s vision of homemaking.
Managing The Home
Finally, managing the home is the last aspect of homemaking in my vision. The home is a business. I am the CEO and therefore should treat my tasks and duties to keep a home and feed my family with the same prestige as shown by society to someone working outside of the home.
While I spent these first few years as a homemaker trying to live other’s vision of homemaking, I now get back to growing into my vision of homemaking, which has never changed. Here are some of the things I want to learn and do as a traditional homemaker:
- cook meals from scratch
- have a small homestead growing most of our food and tending to a couple of animals
- sew and knit clothing
- know basic carpentry skills
- create pieces of art for my home
- manage the finances well and set appointments
- homeschool our children
- have a side hustle
- keep a clutter-free home that is inviting and life-giving
- and guide my family in a natural and sustainable lifestyle.
My Calling To The Home Comes First
No matter my callings outside of the home, my role in the home comes first. It is honoring my God and something I take a humbled pride in. This doesn’t mean I have to let go of my own dreams at all. It simply means that my role as homemaker always takes priority as I move through life. Self-care is key to prioritizing your calling as a homemaker. If you do not take care of yourself, the home with face the consequences. “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” – Proverbs 14:1 NIV
The Days Are Long But The Years Are Short
I would be lying if I said motherhood and even just being a wife didn’t come with some sacrifice. It definitely does. But that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. Jesus literally sacrificed his life for his followers and it’s the greatest love story of all time. A beautiful exchange.
The time our children are with us is so short compared to the time they are without us. Knowing this, I want to make this time count. The sacrifice I need to make now is just another beautiful exchange.
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COMMENT
What does homemaking look like to you? Whether you work full time, part-time, or your work is not measured by society; I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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