Marriage After Kids: 7 Ways to Prioritize

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So you’re enjoying the marital bliss and then you are blessed with children. Now, quality time with your spouse is far and few between. Here are 7 simple ways to prioritize your marriage after kids. 

1. Teach your kids about marriage.

Biblically speaking, when one becomes married they should cleave to their spouse (Genesis 2:24). The biblical priority is marriage. This is commonly overlooked in modern Christian marriage.

You often hear of a man or woman staying in a marriage for the kids or even marrying because of their unborn child. The takeaway from mentioning this is that we prioritize the children over the marriage. 

Now, before you disagree, hear me out. Children look towards their parents to help them make sense of the world around them.

If we can teach our children about marriage and the importance of healthy relationships (whether marriage, dating, co-parenting, etc.), between the two people that love them the most, their parents, then it is easier for them to understand when mom and dad go on a date night or simply need time away to connect with one another. 

2. Love according to the Bible.

We all know about the endless need to define love. What is love? How do I know if I am in love? How do I show love? We all have googled it at least once, right?

The greatest definition is right there in the Bible. Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV), “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 

I’ll be honest, that’s a tall order. However, it is a great reminder of the love we are to share with our partners and receive from our partners. If a relationship is abusive in any way, please seek wise counsel and help. You deserve love.

3. Court and date each other after kids.

Have you ever heard the saying, “Do what you did in the beginning of a relationship and there won’t be an end,” (Anthony Robbins)? Well, when talking about courting your partner, there is great truth in this saying.

I know that in the hustle of raising tiny humans, I can miss the connection with my husband. I miss the simple moments alone where we are our only focus.

Now, with two kids (ages five and one), his work and school schedule, the home, the dogs, building an online business and brand, and a worldwide pandemic, it seems that life just gets in the way of us.

So start with setting aside one or two nights a month to go on a date. Be creative. Work with what you have. An afternoon picnic in your own backyard during nap/quiet time. A movie night in once the kids are in bed. If you have a trusted sitter, how about a night on the town?

Whatever it is, plan for it, schedule it in, and whatever you do, do not stand up your spouse.

4. Learn to speak your spouse’s love language.

Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship, especially in a marriage. Often times we believe we are great at communicating and getting our message across.

True communication is a bit more sophisticated and has seven major elements: (1) sender, (2) ideas, (3) encoding, (4) communication channel, (5) receiver, (6) decoding, and (7) feedback.

I believe, that a great way to prioritize the marriage after having children, is to learn to communicate and speak to each other in the other person’s love language. The five love languages, coined by Dr. Gary Chapman, focuses on helping individuals identify how they give and receive love.

The five languages, according to Dr. Chapman, are: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Acts of Service.

You and your partner can take the quiz and discover your love language today.

5. Sleep together, literally, try to go to bed together.

When I would go to my grandparent’s house growing up, I noticed they had two separate bedrooms. It was so odd to me. Apparently, that was pretty common back in the day. But why would any couple not sleep in the same bed or go to sleep together?

Once I married my husband, I knew I did not want a television in the room because I believed the bedroom was a place to connect at the end of the day and to rise together to start a new day. 

For me, if there was nothing that could distract from that connection, you were left to either talk, have sex, or sleep.

So, why did my grandparents sleep separately? Was it just a natural progression of marriage? There have been nights, after becoming parents and co-sleeping, that my husband has simply gone to sleep on the couch. I have to admit, I felt some type of way. I felt alone.

Seasons of marriage after kids

Now, we all go through seasons, and if you’re feeling this way I do suggesting communicating this to your partner because they may simply feel it is easier or helpful to give you and the baby the room.

However, I highly recommend sleeping together most nights to help prioritize the marriage.

It is a time to connect at the end of the day. Even if just for five minutes.

Oh, and sleeping together, as in sex, doesn’t hurt either. It is okay to prioritize sexual intimacy with your spouse after having children. As long as it is mutually enjoyable, why not?

6. Find a shared interest you could do together. 

Video games have the potential to tank a marriage. No, really, it’s a thing and many women are talking about it. My memories of my parents growing up were seeing them do almost everything together. Now, I know they still had their own individual interest, but for the most part, they were one.

They’d go out on a ride together just to “ride out” as my mom would call it. Grocery shopping, even if one of them sat in the car while the other went in. Sitting in the living room to watch a show or movie together. Sometimes, just sitting at the kitchen table scratching scratch-offs and laughing over who actually won anything.

However, my dad never played video games or did anything that kept him from engaging with the family for hours on end. My parents were also born in the early sixties. That may have something to do with it. 

Then, I met my husband, who grew up playing video games and whose father also enjoys playing the game in his free time. My husband’s parents are a decade younger than mine. Could be a correlation there. 

Let go of contempt.

Anyhow, if you are like me and the video games make your right eye twitch a bit and your nose scrunch up looking at your spouse when you’re sitting at the other end of the couch, stop.

Instead, perhaps, join him. Find a game that interests you that you can play together. Play the game a few times on your own to see what the hype is about. Give it a try to see if you like it. If not, that’s okay too. Change your narrative around the game.

Maybe video games aren’t an issue when it comes to prioritizing the marriage after kids.

The point is, find a shared interest you and your partner can do together. Or at least understand that you each have interest that might not make complete sense to the other. Just remember to communicate anytime you are feeling you need a bit more attention.

7. Have your spouse’s back.

Ephesians 5: 29-31, “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church because we are members of his body. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 

It is easy to live life based on our own expectations, ideas, views, and philosophies when single. Once married, we learn healthy compromise, teamwork, how to navigate a life together as one.

I have found that parenting is most challenging when it is not approached from a united front. In a world bombarded with unsolicited opinions on how to parent and unwelcomed comments and concerns on the ways in which others parent differently, couples should back each other up.

Outsiders

When family or friends question your lifestyle, instead of saying, “well my wife wanted to do that” or “my husband thought that was a great idea”, try to respond with “we felt it was the best decision for our family”. See, nothing feels more like a slap in the face to the marriage than throwing your spouse under the bus.

Always have their back, and if there is something you do not agree with or feel may harm the family, communicate with your spouse to find balance. 

Abraham Lincoln once said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” While he may have been referring to politics, this applies in the home and in the marriage after having kids. When one parent says no to the child, and they come to you with the same request, have your spouse’s back. Even if that means letting the child know you will discuss it with your spouse and decide the answer together.

Prioritize the marriage and relationship between husband and wife and it will overflow into the relationship between the parent and child. The marriage comes first. 

What is one piece of advice you would give your newlywed self before having children? Share in the comments.