Breaking Free From Stress When Motherhood is Hard

Motherhood is hard. Let’s start there. If you are in a current season of overwhelm and stress in motherhood, this blog post is for you.

If you are reading this during the Coronavirus pandemic, you know that we have been in the thick of it for a year now. Social distancing, masks, limited interaction with others has been isolating. While these practices are in place to help, unfortunately, our mental and emotional health has suffered.

So what happens when you are not able to be in and with those in your village? What happens when you have no idea when things will turn around?

I hear you mama, I see you, and I am right there with you. So, here is how I am handling the stress when motherhood is hard.

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Why are moms so miserable?

As much as we want to believe that we are okay when motherhood is hard, let’s give ourselves permission to acknowledge when we feel miserable. Yup, I said it, miserable. And if you have no idea what that feels like, that is great for you mama! Today, I am talking to the mom that is sitting on the bathroom floor balling her eyes out while her kids are screaming in the next room.

I have been doing a lot of self-work and exploring why I think the way I do and respond to stressful situations the way I do. I believe the majority of our stress and overwhelm comes from trying to be what society says a good mother is supposed to be.

Being responsible for another life is already enough pressure. We are bombarded with messages of what it takes to be a perfect mother every single day. And if that wasn’t enough, try having every decision you make for your children questioned by family, friends, and sometimes strangers. Yes, strangers.

How many times have you been dealing with a crying child in the grocery store to have a complete stranger walk up to you and offer their opinion on how to handle that situation?

Well-intentioned or not, it just adds to the overwhelm and reinforces the idea that there is one best way to be a mother.

My 5 Ways to Break Free From Stress

#1 Seek Biblical Truth

Honestly, I can read all self-help books, watch tons of training, and ask the advice of plenty of couples, but nothing provides more clarity for me than the Lord.

The value of the woman

When we look in the Bible, Eve is referred to as the “mother of all the living” (Genesis 3:20, NIV), and in Proverbs 31:10 a wife is said to be “far more precious than jewels” (NIV).

The Proverbs 31 woman is an example of how amazing women are. We are far more valuable than we realize. So much so that husbands are to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25-28, ESV).

While much of this biblical reference ties a woman to either marriage or motherhood, the woman exists first.

The calling of motherhood

Finding a good devotional or bible study women’s group can add so much peace and joy to you when motherhood is hard. I recommend Sally Clarkson’s Daily Devotional for Lifegiving Motherhood.

Knowing what you’re called to do as a Christian mom helps lower stress because we have an example we can trust. There are a few verses in the Bible that mention how God calls women (also, not all women are called to motherhood and that is okay both biblically and just in general) to motherhood:

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her,” (Proverbs 31:28, ESV).

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue,” (Proverbs 31:26, ESV).

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it,” Proverbs 22:6, ESV).

“You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise,” Deuteronomy 6: 7, ESV).

#2 Prioritize Filling Your Cup

So most likely you have heard the phrase, ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’. This simply means we have to take care of ourselves in order to care for others. Another phrase I often think of is ‘running on empty.’ Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint, and if we are not tending to our own mental, emotional, and physical needs, we are going to burn out fast. Self-care is not just a trendy term we throw out there, it is important to break free from stress.

I want you to ask yourself, what sparks joy? What are those things that you enjoy doing that fill you up? What dreams do you have? Is there anything you always saw yourself doing and just haven’t done? For me, pottery and archery are new skills I would love to learn.

In motherhood, if you have a partner, codependency can lead to a great deal of stress. You cannot rely on others to make you happy. You have to take care of yourself mama and your family will benefit. Veronica at Empowered and Unapologetic reminds me that our relationships are good when we are good. So true.

I highly recommend following Veronica. She is a Marriage and Family Therapist with a mission to help moms break free from perfectionism and create exceptional lives for their families. Veronica is on Instagram @empoweredandunapologetic and has an amazing podcast.

Prioritize those things that you have decided you could not pursue now that you are a mom.

When motherhood is hard… sleep

Part of filling your cup is getting an adequate amount of sleep. Sleep deprivation not only causes fatigue, short temper, and an inability to focus, but it also increases our risk for serious medical conditions. You have to determine what amount of sleep you need to be your best self. Most adults need about 8 hours of sleep.

sleeping after long hard day in motherhood

#3 Create a Simple Routine

A huge source of stress in motherhood could be your routine or lack thereof. Here are a few things to consider when creating a simple routine that reduces stress.

First, you want to sit down with a sheet of paper and pen and identify what’s not working. Where in your current routine or rhythm are you most stressed and triggered? Write it down. Furthermore, identify what is working well. Write that down in a separate collum or in a different color pen.

Next, I want you to, on a separate sheet of paper, design your ideal day. this is where I need you to dream and meditation on what it would look like for everything to go well in your day. This is important. It is also the fun part of creating this simple routine.

Finally, return to your list of what is working and what is not. For each area that causes stress, create a game plan for what you will do when sh*t hits the fan. Can you move that task to a different time of the day that works better. Can you outsource the task. You have to decide what this looks like for you but these three things to consider will help.

One thing at a time, stop multitasking

The secret to keeping a simple routine and reducing stress when motherhood is hard is to stop multitasking. This is why so many people are embracing minimalism, simple and intentional living. If your current routine is stressing you out and overwhelming you, you’re probably doing too much. Multi-tasking is a myth. Try this next time you’re starting to get anxious, breathe and focus on what is in front of you at that moment.

Mindfulness is a great way to practice being present and in the moment. It is retraining your mind to slow down. Breathing also calms your nervous system. Don’t underestimate to power of a good breath and mindful meditation. I’m telling you, it’s a superpower.

#4 When Motherhood is Hard.. Let It Go

Yes, a Frozen reference. C’mon, this is a mommy blog so you knew it was coming. Ha. This is a reference I heard a few months ago, I don’t remember where or how exactly, but motherhood was related to Elsa and how she allowed fear of letting go hold her back and create stress until she exploded and froze the entire gorge. So, let’s try letting go before we explode.

When your littles are asking for something or to do something, before saying no because that’s likely your default response when stressed, ask yourself, why not?

Never sacrifice the relationship with your children for control over your children. The relationship is key despite what generations of fear-based parenting have taught us.

Know your kid’s triggers and set things up for success. Let go of the rest. I have found that unschooling (philosophy and practice of home education) has been a huge blessing in our homeschooling journey. If you are also homeschooling, simplify your homeschool.

#5 Ask For Help- it takes a village

My final suggestion to help break free from stress and overwhelm when motherhood is hard is to ask for help. Even Jesus asked others for help. You cannot do it all mama and you shouldn’t have to. First, seek the Lord to help you spiritually and mentally. Ask that He put people in your life that mean you well and will be part of your village.

I had my first child over 3000 miles away from family and friends. My husband was serving in the military and we moved when I was six months pregnant. In the 2.5 years we lived that far from what I had believed would be my village, I truly learned why the village was so important for mothers. Thankfully, I met some amazing women and moms during that stage of motherhood, and having that helped in those postpartum months (and years).

A village isn’t always a group of friends that live near you. You can create a village through books, podcasts, YouTube, Facebook groups, online communities, gym membership with free childcare, or a therapist. I do recommend making a friend or two that is local to you, but as an introvert myself, I understand how hard that is.

Homemakers are the managers of their home

Sometimes as mothers and homemakers we tend to take on the bulk of the housework and child-rearing. I am telling you now, you will burnout. It is okay to delegate tasks. The manager of a company does not do every single job of that company, they delegate. One thing I have outsourced is my grocery shopping and it saves so much time and stress.

Listen to the Meant For This podcast, episode 53: How To Find The Time You Think You Don’t Have, by Caroline J. Sumlin for more encouragement and ideas.

Acting as a true manager of your home provides more time freedom and that time and energy allows you to fill your cup in order to pour back into your children and family, free from stress.

This blog post is an extension of my previous video on tips for times of overwhelm in motherhood. As you can see, the list has evolved. Continue to look at your routines and adjust when needed.

Comment

You’re not alone mama. I want to hear from you. What are some ways you find calm when motherhood is hard?